


I Could Be The Only One

by celeztialist



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College AU, F/F, Finn and Rey are first years, Finn is sort of based on Kevin Abstract, Finn's origin story is sad sorry, Finn's surname is Olori, I love them so much please help, M/M, Poe and Jessika are second years, Poe is still kind of a pilot, Strangers to Lovers, multi-chaptered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-02-28 17:19:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13276203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeztialist/pseuds/celeztialist
Summary: This is a story about falling in love; falling so hard your mouth tastes of blood and your lungs forcibly try to escape through your mouth, lips bitten and kiss-stung, high strung, heart achingly lonely love.Oh, and also a tale of navigating college for the first time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm finally writing a proper, planned out, multi-chaptered fic that I'm not going to abandon! I really wanted to write a college AU despite being a teenager in England who has no actual experience of college. We're going with it. Hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a story about falling in love; falling so hard your mouth tastes of blood and your lungs forcibly try to escape through your mouth, lips bitten and kiss-stung, high strung, heart achingly lonely love.
> 
> Oh, and also a tale of navigating college for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm finally writing a proper, planned out, multi-chaptered fic that I'm not going to abandon! I really wanted to write a college AU despite being a teenager in England who has no actual experience of college. We're going with it. Hope you enjoy!  
> Fic title: Heavy by Oh Wonder  
> Chapter title: King of My Heart by Taylor Swift

Today is moving day at D'Qar University, a small campus-based college nestled near the D'Qar National Forest in Oregon. The front lawn of the college is filled with students both returning and new, many with fear and apprehension painted clearly in their eyes upon arrival at a new beginning. The sentiments of high school, the emotional last days, the proms, the hugs and photographs goodbye with friends are still fresh at the forefronts of minds here, but college is perhaps not the right place for reminiscence. There are new memories and friends to be made, people who aren't toxic from being stuck in the same backwards, shitty, smelly old town. But there are still students every few seconds who stop, breath hitched for half a second, to purposefully set their foot down onto the gravelly tarmac of the D'Qar University sidewalk. The first step into a new beginning. Finn Olori, the embodiment of kind, is one such wistful first year: he is determined to use college as a fresh start, to not be stepped on and used as a welcome mat as much as he once had been. God, he is nervous, anxiety coming off him in waves. He takes a deep breath in, out, in, before stepping-

 

-and of course, tripping over a student ambassador and falling face-first onto the ground. Luckily his head lands on the grass, bouncing off slightly to soften the blow. Embarrassment takes over and he pushes himself back to an upright position, willing the blush on his cheeks to _fade already, damn it_!

 

“Fuck, I'm so sorry, are you okay?,” the ambassador gushes, sincerity clear in her eyes. Finn nods, stops. Chuckles slightly to try and pass the embarrassment off a little.

 

“Yeah, uh... thanks,” he mutters. “Are you? Okay, I mean?” Finn says apologetically, looking at her properly in time to see her nod. _Jessika_ , her badge declares proudly. She is pretty in the objective sense, dark hair that turns russet when the sun hits it in a certain way, dark eyes, full lips, average height. ( _Just Rey's type_ , he thinks to himself, trying to think of a way to remind himself to tell her about this girl later on.)

 

“Thanks, yeah, I'm alright. First year?” she questions, and the two fall into light small talk about the college, its atmosphere, majors, where are your halls?, oh it's a shame that we're not in the same one, yeah, we'll catch up later, here's my number, bye now! Jessika is lovely. Rey is gonna like her. Finn smiles lightly, squinting in the early September sunlight, and begins walking again to find his room.

 

* * *

 

 

An hour later, Rey Kenobi and Finn Olori are both panting on the staircase. It's only the first floor of the building but they apparently both underestimated the difficulty of lugging this much furniture up the stairs, both of them sorely regretting bringing all of this with them. Rey gave up on standing approximately ten minutes ago, her legs weak and her breath still coming out shorter than it should be. “Why did- why did we come up this staircase again?”, Rey groans, muscles screaming in protest at the thought of pushing this bookcase all the way along the residential corridor, filled with lamps and plain artworks to the extent of it looking like the corridor of a chain hotel. She hears a muffled sigh from the other side of the landing they're stranded on, before Finn walks around to her, offering her a hand, which she glares at for a second before bracing herself and standing unaccompanied. “We have half a flight to go. Come on,” comes her soft voice, lightly slapping Finn's still outstretched hand. He laughs, walks back, and they begin to push the bookcase up. Slowly they progress upward, Rey pushing forward and Finn pulling at the top, before it levels out at the top. Both utter soft cheers, taking a short break before dragging it down the corridor. “God, I hate this,” Rey grumbles, teeth clenched from the strain of the bookcase: “you think I love it?” comes Finn's reply, obviously struggling more now.

 

Eventually they make it to room 12B, Finn fumbling for the key in his pocket whilst Rey, again, struggles not to collapse against the bookcase. It's at that moment that the door opposite- 10B- opens, the occupant looking in a tired daze before stopping abruptly and blinking at the obstacle in front of him. Poe Dameron, stubbly with dark hair and chestnut-coloured eyes, instead of attempting to nudge past the bookcase to get to the store for some milk, simply mumbles “what the fuck”, turns around, and walks back into his room, closing the door with a _snap_. That jerks Rey properly awake, and stops Finn from staring at the space where brown eyes met his for a split second. They push the bookcase in, wedge it into its place next to the door, and sit on the floor for a while before forcing themselves back up again to do it all over again with the bedframe. Rey wishes she could lift them all with her mind.

 

Finn Olori does not catch another sighting of Poe Dameron for another three days.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey is here with her family. Aunt Leia and Uncle Luke have helped her move her things into room 28B, and its layout is simplistic and gorgeous. D'Qar is small enough to have three numbered residential blocks, each student with their own room. The bedrooms are admittedly quite cramped, but that complaint does not hold much fire considering that there are no roommate squabbles. They are simple, a double bed in the corner, a desk next to it, a living room and kitchenette, an ensuite bathroom, a wardrobe. White walls and beige carpets. Rey loves it, and has kept to the theme of minimalism that the college seems to emit to her. There are plant pots sitting on her windowsill, heather and gladiolus flowers blooming alongside smooth rose quartz crystals littered along it. The cabinets and bookcase that Rey has dragged with her are made of some sort of material that looks like driftwood, given to her by Luke. There is a sapphire crystal perched atop the shelving unit immediately adjacent to the door. Rey has never been more in love with her bedroom, content to have escaped the relative chaos of her teenage room back home. There were marks in the wallpaper from where posters had once been tacked up, a messy pinboard, screws from where old ornaments had been removed only to have never been replaced. Her textbooks took up all her space along with messily scribbled homework, essays she had never handed in. She breathes in, taking in the scent of new bedroom, and feels at peace, slumping down onto her bed: then she gets out her phone and texts Finn, asking how his room is coming along. After laying down properly her phone pings and she opens the reply, her screen displaying a grinning picture of Finn with his room all set up, sweat beading on his forehead. She softly smiles, shoots him back a quick _Nice! Will be over soon x_ , and closes her eyes, settling in to take a quick nap.

 

Finn's room is the dictionary definition of a polar opposite to Rey's. His old rooms did not envy much in the way of decoration and homeliness, and so he decided to go all out, a kaleidoscope of colours splashed all over. His bedsheets are a gorgeous cerulean, cabinets white but handles a haphazard mix and match of mustard yellow and bright red. It looks exactly like what he assumes a childhood bedroom is supposed to, not metal walled and plain and medical smelling and horrible- _no, let's not go there_ , he scolds himself- and he is slightly in love with it. He has plans to replace the translucent shower curtain after a second trip to IKEA, and maybe get some new decorations as well. For now, all he has is a cobalt crystal that Luke pressed into his hand as they got out of the moving truck, one that matches Rey's, which he has chosen to put on one of the shelves of the bookcase until he finds somewhere more permanent for it. He wonders, briefly, what his neighbour's room looks like- he cannot even begin to place a solid guess on it, but based on his appearance he assumes it is snug, cosy, homely. Finn shrugs off the misplaced and silly urge to see it, settling instead to Google an essential grocery list and check his bank account, slowly writing up what he'll need for the next week.

 

After ten minutes of honestly mindless searching Finn slowly peels off his jumper- green, red, yellow, black, and white, oversized-  and leans back onto his bed, rubbing his eyes to try and stop himself from being so damn tired. The drive there from Rey's place was only three hours, and he had been content to sit there watching the scenery go past, one headphone in and listening to his travel playlist, and absorbing the pleasant hum of quiet conversation and the engine of the truck. Finn forces himself to stand and leave the comfort of his bed behind for a while to go to the store; the more he'd written on his list, the hungrier he'd gotten, and it had ended up winning over the lazy comfortability of the bed in the glow of the sunlight.

 

He ignores the sick feeling in his stomach that he always gets in convenience stores, with their blank, white, _numbness._ He can't acknowledge that right now.

 

 

Poe has still not surfaced from his room, too comfortable on his bed to be bothered to get up. He needs to go to the store- he's on his fifth cup of coffee today and he's out of milk. With a scoff he realises that he really is the epitome of a tortured arts student, sitting in a cushy apartment and looking depressed, not moving for hours at a time. His Fender taunts him across the room, a gorgeous walnut wood stratocaster that is just begging to be played. Poe is in full knowledge that his major is going to be considerably more difficult this year. He can't just coast his way through with that winning grin he employs when he needs to, even though his conscience is cleared about it now; he loves his course but some of his music professors last year were too demanding for his tastes. At the thought of having to write more essays, Poe audibly groans and slowly shifts his view to look at his laptop. He sends a quick curse to- well, whoever, he guesses- for his laziness and tries to come up with some ideas for his writing this year. Nothing. “Damn it,” he mumbles, dragging himself up whilst resolving to clean his room. He's been here for two days and already it looks shabby and horrible- it's a futile effort when he knows that it's going to look the same in another two days, but it's something to do. He's not about to have the motivation to go to the store, no matter how much he's begun to crave a sixth cup of coffee, so he may as well.

 

It takes Poe a good part of three hours to tidy properly, pride bubbling in his chest. The room's organisation is pleasing, and the order matches the aesthetic he spent the whole of the summer working on. Tan and burgundy works for his olive skin, and goes with that jacket his father had given him; buttery leather, toffee with a dark red trim, comfortable. Said jacket is hanging on the door with pride, matching so well with the rest of his room that it ties it together. Humming a quiet tune, Poe turns his attention to the kitchenette, his stomach suddenly grumbling at such a volume that he can't help but chuckle at himself. For a second he has the urge to make himself a nice, wholesome meal- noodles, or something his mother used to make- but when he opens his fridge he realises that that's just not going to happen, and he settles for a peanut butter sandwich instead. _It's good enough_ , he reckons to himself, _and it tastes good too_.

 

Poe Dameron sits in his kitchenette, mundanely eating the sandwich, and hopes to himself that his second year at D'Qar goes well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The jumper Finn wears on his first day: https://instagram.com/p/BdBvGuhnD-k/  
> Hope you liked!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a party! And subsequent hangovers!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! The gang all go to a party, typical teen movie things happen, Poe loves bacon sandwiches, and him and Finn f i n a l l y talk. Hope you enjoy!  
> 

Finn often wonders to himself whether it is worth it to be a sentimentalist. He doesn't want to be cliché, far from it, but he can't help but think to himself whilst he is in someone else's cramped apartment two blocks away, handling the world of house parties and dance music and alcohol for the first time, _I wouldn't be here if I didn't trip over Jessika's foot on moving day_. The two had been texting constantly for the past three days, and they got on like a house on fire- it was purely platonic but it felt nice to already have a new person to talk to at D'Qar. And then, earlier that day, he'd gotten a text asking him if he wanted to go to a party. That really was what he'd dreamed of, what he'd heard legend of in high school, what he imagined was the epitome of coming of age films. The red cups, the excessive underage drinking, the drug consumption that was probably happening somewhere, the music, the fun. It was nice to know that it wasn't all just a crazed stereotype.

 

And of course, the first thing he'd done after confirming that he'd be attending is phone Rey- “Rey get over here right now we've been invited to a party and I have no party clothes,” he'd relayed to her, sounding panicked unintentionally. Rey was there within five minutes, and she lounged on his bed as he tried on every article of clothing he owned. The multicoloured jumper he'd been wearing only a few days prior- “the host of the party saw you in that when you met, that'd be weird. Plus, unless you can be arsed to wash it, I'd steer clear”- or maybe a dark red, fitted jumper? (“that's way too formal for a college party, Finn. Come on now,” she told him, voice sounding more maternal than she probably intended.) In the end he settled for a teal shirt embroidered with the vintage Apple logo, oversized like most of his clothes but providing a gorgeous contrast to the coffee-like colour of his skin. He matches with plain black jeans, which Rey says are boring but he argues that they're comfortable and they suit him. She can't really argue with that. Rey wore her favourite purple blouse and a pencil skirt, looking effortless as ever with barely any makeup. They had both chosen to ignore the apprehension of their first ever party, although it wasn't difficult to sense the anxiety permeating from both of them.

 

It's Jessika's party, her apartment, probably her alcohol, too, and somehow she's managed to fit 50 people into her room. It is hectic and Finn is somewhat scared of being hurt, but the thought is merely a buzz in the back of his mind, growing more faint with the more drinks he knocks down. By his count, he's taken 2 vibrant, disgusting shots, and had one bottle of beer and a cup of vodka-lemonade that he suspects was considerably more vodka than lemon. To say that he is drunk would perhaps be an understatement- but he cuts himself some slack. Going eighteen years without touching alcohol, no matter the reason, was probably considered quite a feat amongst most young people.

 

Jessika has had double what he's had, maybe triple, but she handles her liquor well, looking tipsy but still managing to be coherent enough to have a shouted conversation. After some difficulty she comes over to Finn, who looks a little overwhelmed. “First party, huh?” she shouts over the party's noise. He nods, then replies, “yeah, I've never had alcohol either!” and judging by her look he's slurring a little. It's fine. He can't lie and say that he loves it, but he can deal with it. He makes eye contact with Rey across the room and he beckons her over, saying to Jess, “I have someone for you to meet!” Finn hugs Rey as she awkwardly tries to introduce herself to Jessika through a gap in Finn's arm. It's not that Finn is huge, Rey is just tiny, and he makes sure she knows this regularly through his incessant but charming teasing. He has to control himself now so she doesn't look like a fool in front of Jess. Instead of trying to join the conversation he mumbles something incoherent, extracts himself from Rey, and stumbles over to the drinks table in search of something stronger. Rey animatedly watches him trying and failing to pour himself a drink, cringing when he miraculously doesn't smash a very expensive looking bottle on the floor.

 

It's at this moment that Poe spots Jess and starts chatting with her, the two of them close friends from last year. They bonded over their mutual love of old planes, spending their time at the hangars a few miles from the main campus- Jess fulfilling the practical part of her aeronautical engineering course, Poe practising in order to finally get his pilots' license that his mother had dreamed about him getting. After a warm greeting and a slightly drunk hug, Poe settles into the conversation, a bottle of beer in his hand, signature jacket slung over his arm. His taupe shirt is unbuttoned slightly, a move of comfort rather than seduction, and he looks oddly at home at the party even though he sticks out like a sore thumb. The conversation continues for a few minutes, the girls flirting while Poe occasionally chips in, and then two things happen at once. It really is like a scene from a teen film; Poe swears time slows down slightly.

 

One: Finn smashes the expensive bottle. He stares dumbly at it, taking a few seconds to process, begins to bend down to clear up the broken glass.

 

Two: Jessika's front door bursts opens, and a strangulated voice yells, “the cops are here! Run!”

 

And then time nudges into hyperspeed.

 

There are people running out of the door, towards the window to try and lower themselves out. Someone locks themselves in the bathroom. Finn is swept up in the stampede heading out of Jess's apartment building, and by the time he registers what's going on his legs catch up with him. He starts sprinting back to his block, the cold air and adrenaline sobering him almost instantly. His heart beats in his ears and he can hear himself screaming curse words as he runs from the party. Just ahead of him he can see the occupant of 10B- he's empty handed save for a tan jacket that he has in the crook of his arm, and it flaps in the wind. For a second it feels surreal, running a few paces behind someone away from a busted party, but the sound of sirens fills the air and suddenly the man in front of Finn speeds up. The jacket drops from his arm, and Finn picks it up- yells, “hey! You dropped your jacket!”- but he's gone. Turning around, he sees the police car skid to a stop, and Finn starts to sprint before he can even begin to think about his chances with the police this late at night. Poe has disappeared, and Finn just keeps running towards the front door of the dorm.

 

By the time he is on his floor, Poe’s door has been slammed shut and locked. The alcohol is starting to catch up with Finn, his stomach churning uncomfortably, and he fumbles with the keys before entering his room, throwing the jacket on the floor and running into the bathroom to throw up violently into the basin. He groans, bending over and retching a few more times, and the feeling begins to subside. After clearing up the mess, Finn goes back to the kitchenette to run himself a glass of water and takes an aspirin before hanging up Poe’s jacket and collapsing onto his bed, fully clothed. He falls asleep before he can register the feeling of drunkenness slowly wear off.

 

* * *

 

Finn wakes up the next morning with a start as the light of the early morning hits his eyes. A shooting pain bursts through his entire head, and he groans in pain. He thinks just for a second that he could do with some water, but as he tries to get up Finn realises that his limbs weigh approximately a tonne. His head throbs, and his entire body aches as if he had run a marathon: Finn resolves aloud, in a croaky and uneven voice, “I’m never drinking again”. He obviously doesn’t mean that, but hangovers make people say funny things.

 

What Finn doesn’t realise is that opposite him in 10B, Poe Dameron is dealing with a bitchy hangover of similar proportions. Drunk Poe had the common-sense to leave out a glass of water and painkillers, and he smiles weakly as he takes them. After some time the screaming ache all over his body begins to fade, and he sits up, rubbing his eyes before slowly peeling himself from the warmth of his bed. The small apartment isn’t cold, exactly, but his bed feels like a furnace and he finds comfort in that when trying to deal with a hangover. The next thing on the mental list that he’s making as he goes is food; he’s craving a bacon sandwich and that’s what he’s going to make. Quickly checking that the bread is in date, Poe opens the fridge and finds the bacon that he’d purchased yesterday in preparation for the inevitable hangover he knew he’d be a victim of this morning. He gets out a small pan and starts cooking the bacon, the flat filling with its savoury, delicious smell and the sound of fat popping on it.

 

Poe makes himself a cup of coffee, slowly piecing together the events of the night before in his head; the party was fun, he’d talked to Jess and watched her flirt with a girl who had her hair in three buns and wore a purple blouse. She seemed like a keeper based on Jess’s previous endeavours, which he knew she’d be happy about. She deserved love. Anyway.

The next thing he remembers is being warned about the police, running with a beer bottle in one hand and his jacket slung on his arm, throwing the beer bottle into a bush and- well, he remembers being back at his apartment, stumbling around half drunk and putting a glass of water and tablets on his bedside table. _Without my jacket_ , he thinks to himself. “Shit,” he says to himself. “Shit, shit, shit!” His jacket had gone, and a quick look around his room confirmed his suspicions- he must have dropped it whilst running back to his place. And knowing how people his age were, Poe also assumed to himself that the jacket wouldn’t resurface, at least not any time soon. He shot a text to Jess, asking if she’d seen the jacket, but knew deep down it was gone. Letting out a deep sigh, he turned his attention back to his cooker, and turned down the heat on the pan, rescuing the slightly overcooked bacon and putting it between two slices of bread.

 

Poe is aware of just how mundane his existence has become. Sure, he’d been at a party last night, which was fun, but it was nothing compared to his first year. His teachers loved him, and he’d pretty much been the college sweetheart, his music semi-successful and well known amongst the college’s students. His writing was starting to take off, and even in the summer he’d had a brainwave and begun to write a novel for the very first time. But now- now he was in his apartment, upset about losing his jacket, recovering from a wicked hangover. It wasn’t that he was bored, but it didn’t compare to the excitement of the first year of college. In fact, he knew that the (admittedly amazing) sandwich would probably be the highlight of his day, unless the hangover fucked off soon and he could do some writing or editing. _That looks unlikely_ , he thinks to himself as the headache begins to transform back from a dull ache to a painful throb. It seems to Poe that the adventure has disappeared, only to be replaced by mediocrity and a hangover.

 

And that- well, for the sake of suspense and drama that comes naturally to Poe, at least- that is when someone hammers on his door. He frowns, knowing he’s not expecting anyone, and sets his food and coffee down to get up and cross to open the door. Standing in front of him is a man, a _handsome_ man ( _wow_ , Poe thinks to himself, before instantly telling himself to _get a grip_ ), who is smiling at him, deep brown eyes glistening almost with curiosity. “Hi,” Poe says cautiously, unsure of how to proceed. The guy is obviously a first year- his eyes are too bright for someone who would know how stressful college is- but something about them draws him in. He coughs awkwardly. “Uh, can I help you?” he asks, smiling weakly and realising suddenly how disgusting he must look and smell. “Hi, um, I’m Finn from next door? Well, 12B, just across from here,” the man says, shaking his head slightly. “Sorry, that’s obvious- anyway, were you at Jessika’s party last night?” Finn asks him. At Poe’s slightly dumbstruck nod, Finn continues. “Well, after the cops raided the place I ran away, and I think you were running in front of me, and you- well, I think you dropped your jacket- is this yours?” He rambles, obviously nervous, and Poe realises two things at the same time:

One: that look in his eyes isn’t curiosity, it’s a well masked hangover.

Two: that’s his jacket.

“That’s my jacket,” Poe says slowly. “Yeah, that’s- that’s my jacket. Oh my god, thank you so much!” He takes the jacket from Finn’s outstretched hand and hangs it behind the door, face slowly creeping up into a grin. _I must look mad_ , he thinks to himself. He finds that he doesn’t particularly care. “I’m Poe,” he says, internally berating himself for how breathless he sounds. _Get it together, Dameron, this is not a chick flick_. Finn shakes his hand, and replies, “I’m Finn, but I told you that. Uh. What’s your major?”

“English and music, dual honours. Second year. What about you?” Poe asks, hating himself for the small talk. He would say it causes him physical pain, but he knows it’s the painkillers wearing off. “History, first year,” comes Finn’s reply. “Dual honours, wow, you must be smart.” Poe, leaning into the absurdity of this meeting, laughs, surprising even himself. “Not really. Just pretty good at both, I guess. Um, I’d ask if you wanted to come in, but my place reeks a little. Sorry,” he explains hurriedly, but Finn simply holds his hand up. “It’s alright. You can come over to mine if you want? You seem pretty cool,” he says, and Poe can actually _see_ the self-deprecating comment pass through his head at that. It probably is pretty lame, but Poe, again, can’t find it in himself to care all that much. “Yeah, sure,” he finds himself saying, before catching himself. “Just let me take a shower and sort myself out. I stink.” Internally he groans. _Why would you draw attention to yourself like that, Dameron?_ He yells at himself. “Sure, that’s alright. And, uh- for the record, Poe?” Finn asks nervously. Poe simply nods. “You don’t stink. I think it’s sandalwood, it’s- it’s nice.” And before Poe can see him flush, he turns around and all but runs straight into his flat, closing the door, and leaving Poe slightly confused, leaning out of his front door, and definitely blushing a little.

 _Well_ , he supposes to himself, _that could’ve gone worse_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The shirt Finn wears to the party: https://instagram.com/p/BbiPXU8nzaa/ (yes I am imagining him partly as Kevin Abstract and no I don't regret it at all)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A diner, some people watching, and some deliberately suppressed feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! This is unedited and a little rushed admittedly, but I still think it's okay, so here you go! Enjoy.

“And so, that’s when Jess realised we’d been talking about the same person all along!” Poe chuckles, glancing at Finn in time to see him start laughing as well. In all fairness to Poe, he’d realised halfway through the story that it was quite mundane, but luckily for him Finn had kept nodding along, at the very least out of politeness. At least he hadn’t made an utter fool out of himself by telling boring tales of his first year at D’Qar.

“So, are you excited about starting your course?” Poe asks aloud, and Finn nods, sobering up. “Yeah, I mean. I’m nervous. Don’t know if I’m good enough. But it looks interesting so I should be okay,” Finn replies. Even if he hadn’t had said he was nervous, Poe could’ve told him as much; the poor guy’s voice wavers as he talks, and the light in his eyes has temporarily been snuffed out to be replaced with the gut wrenching anxiety that Poe knew he felt. He musters up his best reassuring voice, pats Finn on the shoulder, and says in an even voice, “you managed to get into the college. And I know you’re a smart guy who’s passionate about history. We all think that, but you’ll be alright.” The spark in his beautiful brown- _no, just brown_ , Poe internally says. _Not beautiful, just brown_ \- eyes returns, and Finn’s smile returns naturally as he lets go of tension in his forehead he didn’t realise he was holding.

“I- yeah, thanks Poe. That means a lot,” Finn says quietly, and Poe simply nods in reply. The two fall into a comfortable silence, and it’s with this that Finn realises that his hangover has almost completely disappeared, with only the aids of two aspirin tablets and a handsome, tan-skinned, dark-haired guy who’s been sitting on his bed for the last few hours. They’re still only acquaintances, really, having known each other officially for a few hours, but they’re sitting close to each other, Poe’s hand carelessly resting on Finn’s knee. But it’s not like Finn has feelings for him; sure, Poe is attractive- _really attractive_ , he internally interrupts himself- he just enjoys this feeling of closeness and comfort with someone as nice as Poe. His incredible good looks are just an added bonus, he guesses.

The silence stretches out for a while. The boys sit on Finn’s bed, sunlight catching on their skin and highlighting the bone structures on their faces, and for the first time in Finn’s memory, he feels truly at peace. He still has those little fears in the back of his head about his classes and meeting new people and properly setting in, but they’re less of a screaming, crippling anxiety and more of a little voice somewhere near the back, no longer a priority as the sun hits its highest point and begins its long descent into the other hemisphere. He could fall asleep, the comfortability and ease of laying on his bed with Poe feeling like a Sunday afternoon or a cup of hot tea or the warmth of his favourite sweater. Finn loves Rey so, so much, but she is consistently a ball of energy, a beacon of bright light that can sometimes be overwhelming. She still makes it endearing. But Poe- Poe is something ultimately different, has a whole calmer personality that he would try to emulate if he had ever seen it before now in real life.

Poe speaks after another half hour, and he has to clear his throat to get the words out. “So, you and Rey. How’d you two meet?” As he says it, the sane part of him realises that it sounds desperate, like a ‘subtle’ way of asking if Finn’s single- but the other part of him, the more reckless (and stupid) part of him, doesn’t care at all. “We were friends in high school,” Finn replies, with a miniscule crack in his voice that Poe seems not to notice. “We’re both gay, though. That’s normally the next question.”

Poe is thankful that Finn isn’t making eye contact with him as an embarrassed flush creeps up his cheeks.

“That wasn’t what I was gonna ask,” he tails off, slightly annoyed with his own voice for sounding insincere. “What I was gonna say was that her and Jess were flirting pretty intensely at the party last night.” And Finn laughs. “I’m glad to hear it,” he says, “I introduced them. I was the guy who tripped over Jess’s foot on the first day. That’s actually why Rey and I were at the party.”

Silence for a beat, then-

“Wait, you were the guy that tripped?” Poe exclaims, jumping to his feet and regretting it approximately half a second later when the headache reappears. He winces and turns to Finn whilst holding onto his head, asking, “do you have any aspirin?”

“Yeah, I do. And that was me, yeah,” Finn chuckles, getting up himself to go to the kitchen cupboards. “You sit down, I’ll get it for you,” he says.

A groan, then, “are you sure?” comes Poe’s voice. Turning around, Finn replies, “yes, you idiot. Sit.” At Poe’s hesitation, he simply cocks an eyebrow, and Poe says “alright, alright” before sitting back down on the bed. He watches Finn bustle around the kitchenette to find an extra blister pack of painkillers and pour him a cup of water, and after a minute or so Finn joins him back on the bed. He hands Poe the tablets and water, smiling, then gets out his phone to text Rey, asking her about last night. Within ten seconds he receives about five million replies, mostly just yelling and exclamation marks, to which he rolls his eyes at, laughs, and shows Poe. “I take it she had a good time last night, then,” Poe says, and Finn nods in reply. “Knowing her, she’ll be here in a few minutes to talk in person.” The two once again fall into a comfortable silence until, sure enough, there’s a hammering knock at Finn’s door (which Finn refuses to admit he startled at). Getting up to let her in, Finn braces himself, and as he suspected he’s instantly swept into a crushing hug and a squeal into his ear. “Poe’s here,” he mutters to her as they pull away, and straight away she goes bright red before leaning past the doorframe to wave at him. “Do I have a story for you both!”, Rey grins, closing the door behind her. With a sigh, she begins.

“Okay, so Jess and I got talking last night at the party,” Rey beamed. “We were flirting for probably an hour, right? And then obviously the police showed up so we hid in next door’s flat, but both of us were super drunk so we probably weren’t as quiet as we could’ve been. Anyway, we kept talking, and eventually the police left, so we went back across to mine, I stayed for another couple of hours- nothing happened, Finn, _stop smirking_ \- we ate some food and cleared out, and then we had this moment.” Rey’s voice over this monologue has sped up and it’s at this moment that she seems to realise, taking a deep breath and composing herself before continuing. “This- this moment. Wow. We nearly kissed, like, our lips were touching but I pulled away at the last moment, and I went to apologise but I couldn’t get the words out, y’know? But she realised, I think. And she asked me out tonight. Resistance Diner, a few blocks away. I’m freaking out! Can you tell?” She finishes, plopping herself on the floor cross-legged.

“Resistance is great,” Poe nods. “If Maz is there, the manager, tell her I said hi.” Rey hums in agreement, then answers, “will do. I gotta get changed, the date’s at seven. Any suggestions?” As Finn goes to answer, Rey’s eyes meet his in a steely glare. “Not yours, Finn. If it weren’t for me you’d be wearing a trash bag. Poe, what do people normally wear to diners around here?” Caught by surprise for a second, Poe simply blinks, before responding, “it’s a casual place, honestly. I’d say jeans or a skirt with a nice top, or maybe a day dress? Neutral, with one colour that stands out.” Finn turns to him, shocked, and says “how did you do that?” at the same time that Rey exclaims “that’s great, thanks Poe!” At this, Poe starts to laugh, shrugs at Finn, and answers, “I don’t know, I’m just good at fashion. And no problem, Rey.” She flashes a smile at Poe, rolls her eyes at Finn, and stands up. “Okay, I really need to leave. See you guys tomorrow. Don’t wait up,” she says, winking, and gives Finn a hug before looking at Poe, holding her arms out. He peels himself off the bed and hugs her, collapsing down as soon as she leaves the room and groaning out of exhaustion. “I’m so tired. I hate hangovers so much.”

“Tell me about it,” Finn sighs in reply. “I’m happy for Rey though. She hasn’t been on a date in a while, her ex really fucked her over a few months ago.” He stops himself before he rants out of annoyance about Rey’s ex-girlfriend, then continues. “Anyway, that’s not my place to talk about. Uh, what are your plans for tonight?” Finn asks.

“Nothing really, I was gonna write but that’s not happening. You?”

“Same. I considered reading through the textbook but it’s about 1,000 pages long, so I’d rather do literally anything else.”

“Should we stalk Rey and Jess’s date?” Poe asks, smiling.

“Hell yes.”

* * *

 

In the neon lights of Resistance Diner, Rey and Jess are sat in a booth, sharing an almost comically large milkshake topped with whip cream and a cherry and laughing uncontrollably at inappropriate jokes. After the laughter begins to die down and Rey’s stomach stops hurting, she looks around before leaning closer and beginning the next joke: “what’s the difference between peanut butter and jelly?” At the punchline Jess bursts out laughing again, letting out a small snort that makes her flush bright red and makes Rey grin in spite of herself. “That snort was cute, Jess, don’t be embarrassed!” she says, catching herself but finding that she doesn’t particularly care how desperate and clichéd she probably seems. In response Jess dips her pinkie into the veritable mountain of whip cream and leans forward to put a blob on Rey’s nose, licking the rest off of her finger whilst staring directly at her. A soft smile graces Rey’s delicate features- _I literally didn’t know it was possible to be this gay_ , Jess thinks to herself- before Rey huffs in mock annoyance and wipes it off with her own finger. The two girls start laughing again for no reason at all, hands slowly entwining on the mahogany tabletop.

“They’re kinda cute,” Finn says, smiling and turning back around to face Poe across the booth. If he had less pride he would perhaps admit that his breath caught for a split second at how nice Poe looked with the cobalt and fuschia lights splayed across his features.

If he could read minds, Finn would also know that Poe was thinking the exact same thing.

“They make me want to throw up,” Poe shoots back, deadpan. “Joking,” he defends himself when Finn gives him an incredulous glare, and in response Finn just rolls his eyes. “Anyway,” he says pointedly, “what are we gonna do if they see us?”

“They won’t,” Poe promises him. “And even if we did, Rey wouldn’t do anything to us here, would she?” Finn shrugs in response- “not here, she wouldn’t. But I have no doubt that they’d never find our bodies.”

“True.”

“Did we actually order food?” Finn asks, frowning. “We’ve been here for-“ he checks his phone- “an hour, and I’m getting hungry.” As if on cue, an old woman walks over (admittedly with the speed of someone much younger than her) with a notepad and pen, and Finn and Poe both glance down at their menus to decide what to have.

“Good evening, gentlemen,” she says, in a quiet but mesmerising voice that Poe had come to love in his first year of college. “Hey, Maz, how are you?” he smiles, taking another glance down at his menu before looking back up to her. “I am alright. Business is good. I can’t complain. Who is your companion?” Maz Kanata asks. Poe pointedly ignores the miniscule raise of an eyebrow on her part, and replies, “this is my buddy Finn. Finn, this is Maz, the owner of the restaurant. The burgers here saved my life last year,” he chuckles, and Maz smiles that knowing, trusting smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Finn,” she replies politely. “Now, what would you two like to eat?”

At this sentence Finn looks back down at his menu, panicking internally at the positively huge choice on the paper. Poe slides the menu away from him, gives Finn a look that says _trust me_. Finn nods in acknowledgement and watches as he orders two complicated sounding beef burgers and a milkshake to share, trying not to stare at the perfect contours of Poe’s lips highlighted in the bright colours of the diner- he shakes himself. He can’t think like that.

He pays little attention to the small talk they make before the food arrives- it’s a huge beef burger and Finn swears his jaw drops to the table when Maz gently puts it in front of him.

The food tastes amazing.

It’s another few minutes after Poe and Finn finish their food that Finn fully comes back to normal- he feels like he’s just come afloat after dissociating, and he hates it but he ignores it. It’s a startling reality. And it’s made more shocking by the fact that he’s just made eye contact with Rey, and her and Jess are walking over. “Fuck, Poe,” he hisses, tapping his arm across the table. “They’ve seen us! What do we do?”

“Shit. Uh- well we’re gonna have to lean into- hey guys! How are you?” Poe grins uncomfortably, meeting Jess’s utter death glare with fear.

“Were you stalking us?” Jess asks him, and he nods, gulping. “Why?”

“We knew you two would be here and we wanted to see it go down,” he answers eventually, and Jess nods and sighs. “Well, we’re leaving now anyway. Just don’t do it again, okay?” she says resignedly, and finally lets Rey drag her away. “Oh, my God,” Finn laughs as Poe just raises his eyebrow at the fading silhouettes of the two girls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um? Gay? I love them. Anyway, see you guys next Saturday!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey wakes up at Jess's. Poe has some realisations. Finn watches Poe practice guitar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that everyone in Star Wars is gay! Wow.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Rey wakes in an unfamiliar room, mild exhaustion slowly beginning to leave her body as she begins to wake up fully. She rubs her eyes as she props herself up against the pillows, piecing together the memories from the night before (not from a hangover as she hadn’t had any alcohol, but from it being a long night)-

_They’d been in the diner, sharing a milkshake after finishing their burgers, when Jess squeezed her hand, smiled at her, and muttered, “I really like you, Rey. And also, Poe and Finn are watching us a few tables away.” Rey’s eyebrows raised as she replied, “really? Should I tell them to leave?” Jess shook her head. “Oh, and I really like you too, Jess. Sorry,” she quickly tacked on, smiling and hoping she looked as genuinely happy and peaceful as she felt. Jess raised Rey’s hand to her mouth and pressed a light kiss against the smooth expanse of skin, to which Rey’s smile extended. Glancing at the finished glass of milkshake before returning her stare to Jess’s beautiful face, pale skin framed by dark hair, Rey had quietly asked her, “should we go back to my apartment so they can’t watch us?” Jess smiled at that. “Mine is closer,” she murmured in reply, her voice slightly deeper than it had been all evening. The two gathered their things, left some bills on the table, and Rey snuck a feather-light kiss on Jess’s cheek, taking pleasure in the faint blush that passed across her cheeks._

_As they’d walked toward the door, Jess stopped in her tracks, instead turning and going to Finn and Poe’s table, her eyes narrowed. Poe’s nervous voice came at that, in fear of Jess’s truly terrifying death glare (one that Rey hoped, hopes, never to be on the receiving end of)- “hey, guys, how are you?” he said. The uncomfortable grin quickly vanished from his face as Jess asked, “were you stalking us?” Upon Poe’s replying nod, Jess continued- “why?” At that point Rey had started to pull subtly at her arm, knowing full well that it was needy but finding that she didn’t care. They could be doing other things, things that were more fun. Poe explained that he and Finn had simply wanted to see how the date was “going down”, an answer that Jess thankfully accepted. After telling them not to do it again, voice resigned, Rey finally managed to get Jess away from the table._

_The walk back was awkward in a weird way- it took both Jess and Rey a considerable amount of energy not to find a secluded spot and make out there like a couple of teenagers. The closer they got, the wider Jess’s steps became, until she was all but speed walking into her block and up the stairs. Rey could almost feel the humming energy coming from Jess’s body, feeling her own replicating it. Standing outside Jess’s door, she finally pulled Rey close, arms winding around her slim waist, leaning in to kiss her. Their lips pressed together slowly, and Rey smiled and moved her own arms to around Jess’s neck. Rey moved herself a step closer to Jess, hands moving down slightly to move her chin down slightly in order to kiss her more deeply. It was pure and innocent, Rey’s lips tingling at the sensation, but as Jess softly bit her bottom lip, she let out a small huff of breath and moved closer still. After a moment of fumbling, Jess managed to open her front door, and the two stumbled in, the door slamming shut. Rey let herself be pressed suddenly against the door, and the kiss deepened further, tongues meshing together and breathing becoming slightly heavier. Rey shrugged her jacket off, Jess helping her without moving away, and she kicked her shoes off across the room. Jess took off her own jacket, repeating the same motion of throwing it and her shoes away from them. A hand moved up to lift Rey’s shirt up-_

And that’s all that Rey will let herself remember, as she doesn’t feel like becoming aroused at- she glances at the alarm clock next to Jess’s bed- 8:32am, but judging by the slight ache in her upper thighs, she can imagine what else had happened the night before. Allowing herself a smile, Rey sits up properly in the bed in time to see Jess emerging from the bathroom, towel drying her hair. “Hey,” comes Rey’s voice softly and slightly groggily, and Jess smiles brightly at her. “Hi, Rey. Sleep okay?” Jess replies, voice equally as soft but lacking the last dregs of sleepiness. Rey nods and watches as Jess brushes her hair and hairsprays it. _She’s beautiful_ , Rey thinks to herself, _even doing the most mundane things_. “Hungry?” Jess asks, and Rey takes a moment to think. “Not really,” she responds. “You?”

“Nah.” She walks to the kitchenette and pours herself a glass of water, silently gesturing to ask Rey if she wants one. Shaking her head, Rey looks around the apartment properly for the first time. It looks different to how it did during the party, when it was dark, surrounded by multicoloured lights, people, a drinks table. Now, it’s illuminated by the soft morning sunlight, light curtains hanging from the window but doing nothing to distort the light. On the walls there are assorted decorations, a few diagrams of planes and their mechanisms (that Rey offers a small smile at) and star maps of the northern and southern hemispheres tacked up by the window. On her windowsill rests three rose quartz stones and an amethyst, attractively catching beams of light and sparkling. The wall next to Jess’s bed is covered primarily in polaroid photos, some whited out from overexposure of the shot, some blurry, but evidently displaying the happiest moments of her life. Some have captions written in permanent marker, and some simply have dates, which vary as much as the subjects of the photos. There are fairy lights along the wall, too, used to cover the string and pegs that hold the pictures. Rey smiles at the ones from the party, recognising her own slightly drunk face amongst the crowd who had posed for the photo.

The camera, a plain black Polaroid, rests on Jess’s nightstand along with a salt lamp, their phones, a silver alarm clock, and a pale pink mug. Her bedsheets are plain, white with small black crosses on them, and they match with the pillowcase and sheet. Other than these small decorations, the room is university issue, save for the textbooks on the bookcase near the door. Generally speaking, Jess’s room is neat, ignoring the clothes strewn all over the floor. The room is, for want of a better word, beautiful, but Rey finds that Jess is still the most beautiful thing in it, catching her eyes across the room. The light is dispersed across her face, accentuating her features and turning her hair into a kaleidoscope of browns, blacks and reds, even damp. Her skin is smooth, covered only by a soft white towel, and it is pale but made to look tan by the light catching on it. The smile on Rey’s face widens subconsciously whilst she stares at Jess, who puts the now empty glass down and walks over to the bed, sitting down. Sitting up properly, Rey captures her lips in a kiss, pulling Jess down onto the bed and pinning her shoulders down until she is straddling Jess’s waist. “You’re beautiful, you know?” Jess sighs contentedly, and Rey simply grins and pulls her back in to a much more heated kiss, slowly undoing the towel from around Jess.

* * *

 

Poe genuinely can’t believe himself sometimes. He should not have any non-platonic feelings for anyone after knowing them for literally a week, but here he is, doing it anyway! He doesn’t want to think about it. He needs to suppress it. It’s really not fair on Finn, who he knows is hiding something from him. He flinches when he’s touched, he says sorry too much, he doesn’t believe any compliments that Poe gives him- really, the only slight upside to it is that Finn hasn’t seemed to notice that the compliments aren’t really typical of two male friends who aren’t dating. He’s always assumed that he’s quite obvious when he’s developing feelings for someone- even feelings that he outwardly denies he has- but Finn, he thinks, is really just that oblivious. _Or he’s realised and is hoping that if he ignores it, I’ll stop_ , Poe thinks, and then hastily stops that train of thought before it can start. It seems abrupt, sure, especially since just last night he was steadily pushing down the beginnings of how he feels, but seeing Jess and Rey so happy even during their first date, looking perfect together, has changed him, he thinks. Mind you, if Jess or Rey or anyone, really, asked him, right now, if he has feelings for Finn, Poe knows that he would flat out deny it no matter what. He’s quite frankly embarrassed at himself for feeling like this so soon- he wants to have a strong friendship with Finn, because he’s so caring, compassionate, and just nice. But apparently, his brain won’t allow him that, constantly casting images into his mind whenever he’s around Finn.

They’d started off innocently enough, the first one he remembers being a hug. Then it was kissing, and Poe had zoned out for about ten minutes whilst watching Finn talking on the phone to Rey, imagining how it would feel to kiss his full, plush lips. That had stuck with him for a good few days, and it was distracting but he could deal with it. But in the past day or so, those fantasies had become decidedly and suddenly more inappropriate, lips no longer kissing his mouth but somewhere else, spread around his-

Poe refuses to acknowledge the image currently playing out in detail in his head or the strange, heart aching feeling that it gives him. If imagining them making out was unfair on Finn, then _this_ is a whole new level of unfairness.

Before Poe’s brain can get any further with the fantasy, there’s a knock on his door. Getting up to answer, Poe is greeted by Finn’s beautiful- _damn it-_ face, and he forces himself to push the unholy thoughts out of his head quickly before he does something stupid that he’ll regret. “Hi,” he says, smiling at Finn. “Hey,” Finn replies. “Can I come in?” Poe simply nods and moves out of the way. Taking a seat on Poe’s sofa, Finn asks, “what’s up?” In response, Poe shrugs. “Nothing,” he replies. “I was gonna do some guitar practice in a bit, though. You?”

“Do you want me to go?” Finn asks cautiously.

“No, no, not at all!” Poe replies quickly. “I like hanging out with you. Besides, I can practice another time. It’s okay, honestly.”

Finn inhales, and for some reason he looks anxious. “I mean-“ he starts and stops himself. He clears his throat. “I mean, if you want, you can practice while I’m here?” Finn says, posing it more as a question than a statement, and Poe knows that he’s embarrassed. “If you’re okay with that, then sure,” Poe replies, trying to school his voice into being reassuring. Finn nods, and Poe smiles at him before picking his guitar up and sitting next to him on the sofa. He thinks for a moment before beginning to play a slow, romantic melody, plucking the strings and keeping his eyes trained on the fretboard even though he can play with his eyes shut. _Finn doesn’t need to know that_ , he thinks, and prays that he’s not blushing even though he can feel his face getting warmer. Upon finishing the song, he lets the final strum fade entirely before looking back up at Finn, expecting perhaps a modest smile, the one he normally gets from people when he plays for them. Instead, he sees the look that he knows he probably has at least fifty percent of the time when he looks at Finn. His eyes are filled with something utterly indecipherable, but the smile he has is warm, genuine, loving, content. “Wow,” he breathes, and Poe can feel the warm breath against his cheeks in a sudden realisation of how close they are. “Poe, that was amazing.”

Poe chuckles, slightly nervous, before replying. “Thanks,” he says quietly. “Glad you like it. Means a lot.” Finn’s smile widens, something Poe didn’t think was possible, into a face splitting grin that flatters his soft features. “How long have you played?” Finn asks, voice becoming softer but simultaneously more pronounced. “Long as I can remember,” Poe replies. “I guess about ten years now.”

“Who wrote that?” comes Finn’s voice.

“The one I just played?”

“Mhm.”

A moment. “I did,” Poe almost whispers, embarrassed but seeking approval by admitting it. He was proud of the song but he didn’t love telling people that it was his own composition.

“Woah,” Finn mumbles, and Poe smiles with a huffed breath. “You liked it?” he asks, awkward.

“Poe-“ Finn replies. “Poe, I loved it. You’re so talented.”

“Thank you.” Poe’s smile widens in turn, until they’re both sat grinning at each other, mere inches apart. Gently, Poe places the guitar on the ground, not daring to break eye contact with Finn in case it ruined the moment. _I want to kiss him_ , he thinks. He does not let himself say it out loud. But slowly, slowly, they inch closer to each other, Finn’s hand resting on Poe’s lower thigh, Poe reaching out to rest his hand on the nape of Finn’s neck. Poe’s skin feels electrified, the heat of Finn’s hand on his leg making his breath hitch. Their lips are almost touching now, and it would take only a slight movement for them to be kissing-

Jess bursts into the flat and they pull away sharply, blushes rising in their cheeks as Jess shouts, “she said yes! She’s my girlfriend, guys! My girlfriend!” At this both Finn and Poe get up, moving in to envelop Jess in a joint hug. They can both feel her shaking with happiness, and Poe hugs her tighter. “Sorry,” she whispers almost silently in Poe’s ear, and as they all pull back, they make eye contact briefly and he gives her a microscopic shake of the head. Her eyebrow twitches for a split second, before saying, “okay, I’m gonna go see my girlfriend now. Rey’s my girlfriend. Bye!” The door slams shut.

Silence fills the flat again, and Finn and Poe make eye contact before Finn hastily says, “I gotta go.” Poe nods dumbly, not able to get the right words out, and watches as Finn leaves, walking back into his own apartment without even closing Poe’s front door. Sighing, Poe closes it, and slumps down onto the sofa, thinking, _I almost kissed him_.

Finn is thinking the same, smile still spread across his face in his own flat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love the idea of Poe playing guitar, a la Oscar Isaac. I deliberately left the song ambiguous, but it could be any song from the Peaceful Guitar playlist on Spotify, as that's what I listened to whilst writing this chapter: https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX0jgyAiPl8Af  
> Also, if you want, you can come and talk to me about Star Wars on my Tumblr: celeztialist.  
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe begins to distance himself. Finn has a realisation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! There's a proper explanation at the end but sorry I've been gone for 2 weeks! We should be back to regular updates now.  
> Hope you enjoy!

_This isn’t fair on him_ , he repeats to himself yet again whilst leaning on his doorframe, looking at the gilded number _12B_ across the hall that seems to taunt him the longer he stares, glassy-eyed. ‘ _This isn’t fair’_ has become somewhat a mantra for Poe Dameron in the past week or so. His… feelings for Finn have somehow managed to multiply in the same way he learnt that bacteria does in science class back in high school. And he hates it, God, he hates how weak he feels when he even thinks of Finn. His smile makes his knees go weak, dazzling eyes boring into him in an endearing way that forces him to expose _almost_ all his secrets to Finn. Poe wants to run his hands through Finn’s cropped hair. And depending on his mood, his fantasy is either a cutesy platonic slash romantic move or something that’s decidedly- well, definitely not platonic, at least. Poe knows he’s not normally like this, not even when he’s had too much rum and gets cuddly with strangers. It’s not that he doesn’t do feelings, though; they’re just not normally this strong, this sickly sweet, this movie-like. He can physically feel his heart rate pick up when he sees Finn, and a large part of his brain hates himself for it.

(The other part is currently running a 24-hour screening of every clichéd romantic gesture that could involve Finn and himself.

Poe is also convinced that a very, very small part of his brain is also constantly screaming in a pretty high pitch at the thought of any of those things actually happening outside of an almost feverish daydream.)

So, Poe does what he needs to do. Occasionally he will indulge himself in the fantasies that his head conjures up, from the mundane- grocery shopping, cheese tasting, and mattress shopping to name a few- to the most impure- which he refuses to think about right now but resemble some very suggestive noises and his own image of Finn’s chiselled body- sometimes with a bottle of wine if he’s feeling fancy. He’s bitterly aware of how much he falls into the trope of tortured artist, to the point where there’s an aftertaste in his mouth at some of the more tooth-rotting images that he knows isn’t the wine. Occasionally Poe will try to channel the nervous energy into completing some of his first official assignments, but all four attempts at this have led either to self-indulgence in fantasy or airheaded garbage that he wouldn’t have dreamed of handing into his professors- or teachers, at any point past fourth grade. And occasionally, Poe will just pretend there isn’t a problem at all. He will hang out with Finn, at his own place, at Finn’s, in the Union areas of campus, at the diner, and anywhere or any _when_ else he can. But this hasn’t been going too well for him, and Finn has started to notice how often Poe has begun to zone out when they’re together. He knows Finn has noticed. Frowns aren’t commonplace for Finn but they seem to have become so when they hang out, so Poe knows, ultimately, what he has to do.

And so, Poe begins to distance himself slowly from Finn. _My feelings weren’t- aren’t- fair to him_ , Poe reminds himself sharply. _And this is only for now. It’s a temporary thing. Only until I don’t have feelings for him anymore_ , he promises.

Stepping fully inside the threshold of his small apartment, Poe swings the door shut with a sigh, realising that as well as a tortured artist, he’s also become the epitome of the lovesick high school girl stereotype. It’s not that he has a problem with being stereotyped as a girl at all- and he doesn’t think he could have a problem, what with Jess’s and now Rey’s intensive intersectional conversations that he’s constantly swept up into. It’s just that- well, he’s nearly 20 and he’s acting like he’s five years younger than that. If this were a movie, Poe knew damn well that the themed music would be some 2009-era Taylor Swift rather than the “indie garbage” (Jess’s words, not his) that he’d always dreamed of, and had in fact kind of cultivated his image around. “Since when did I become such a stereotype?”, Poe mutters to himself, shaking his head, resisting the urge to go and see Finn ( _and kiss his beautiful face_ , his head butts in rather rudely) and instead walking to the kitchenette and grabbing a tub of ice cream from the freezer.

 _This isn’t fair on him._ _It can't happen_. And with that rather depressing thought, Poe throws himself onto the couch, sighing resignedly as he begins to eat.

* * *

 

Finn’s classes have officially begun now, and he loves them. History has been his thing, his quirk, almost, for as long as he can remember (along with the tag of adopted kid or Rey’s new black half-brother, he supposes, with a sense of resignation and a mildly indignant grimace). His professor is brilliant, he’s learning a lot, and his classmates seem to be the type that would be supportive if he had any problems with the syllabus: an unlikely issue, but still a nice sentiment.

He relays as much to Rey on the phone the night after his third day of classes, to which she gives a light, tinkling laugh. “Hey!” he replies, slightly offended. “I’m not doubting your ability as a history buff,” Rey quickly says. “It’s just nice to hear you sound so happy and confident in yourself, Finn.” Even on the phone her reassuring voice comes through, and it makes Finn feel instantly better for just a moment. “I guess, but we haven’t hung out in a while, Rey,” he mutters, hating how much he sounds like a lost puppy. He hears the unmistakeable noise of Rey sighing in agreement. “I know. I’m sorry, I’ve completely been neglecting my duties as a friend because of Jess.”

“New relationship, Rey. I get it,” Finn replies absentmindedly, taking a seat at his desk and flipping on the light. The absence of her reply makes Finn roll his eyes. “Hey. Really. I know it sucks a little, but I also know how happy you are with Jess. And she’s lovely so I honestly don’t mind.” Rey finally replies to this, even then after a few seconds of hesitation. “Yeah, she is lovely.” Another moment of silence. “Okay, how about this? I’m busy tomorrow, but on Saturday we’ll go to the diner and catch up properly. I hate talking on the phone to you, I’d much rather see you in person. Meet me at 5?” Rey’s voice speeds up in excitement throughout but Finn can hear her catch herself and slow down. Distracted by getting his textbooks out from his bag, he nods in agreement until he realises Rey can’t see him. “Sorry. Yeah, sounds good,” he replies to her quickly, making a note with a post-it on his desk before he can forget. “Okay, gotta go,” Rey hurries, and before he can respond, the line goes dead. Finn makes a face, knowing that Rey is likely at Jess’s house and not particularly wanting to think about what they were probably doing, and turns his attention fully to his books. And promptly, he remembers that the professor set them an essay. Finn lets out a small groan, half annoyance, half excitement (simultaneously realising that he really _is_ that much of a history nerd) and tries to find the question.

**_Analyse Thomas Paine’s pamphlet entitled ‘Common Sense’ and how it became an influential part of the American Declaration and subsequent War of Independence. Please refer to his ideas in relationship to the Enlightenment, Paine’s use of lexis to convey his message, and any other ideas that you see as relevant to the text. This extended answer question is worth 5 credits._ **

“Okay,” Finn mumbles to himself, searching again through his bag for the copy of the pamphlet. Once he finds it, he places it on the desk and sits back in his chair, lost in thought. Time begins to slip by as Finn reflects, realising that for the first time in a long time, he feels lonely: even when thinking about all the possibilities for his essay, the loneliness creeps back up on him like a phantom. He misses Rey, his best friend, the one person that he can fully trust with everything. He even misses Jess, with her quirks and funny one liners and integrity. But most of all- and he feels shame wash over him at even admitting it- he misses _Poe_. Perhaps even more than he misses Rey.

He misses the charm that oozes from Poe with ease, enough for him to seem confident but not so much that he’s a jerk. He misses the easy-going happiness that he radiates with every movement. He misses Poe’s musical talent, the soft tones of guitar music having become part and parcel of being in Poe’s apartment. He misses the apartment too, and its somehow different vibe to his own place; a more relaxed environment in which time seems to drip like honey the colour of Poe’s skin. He misses everything about Poe in a way that he didn’t know he could, didn’t know he did. And with that thought, the realisation hits him like a ton of bricks, the air knocked all too suddenly out of his lungs and then forced back into them at a speed that he feels like he’s going to throw them up-

 _He has feelings for Poe._ Apparently intense, in no way platonic feelings. The groan that Finn lets out in that moment is pained, agonised, and honestly? Pissed off too. He doesn’t have time to wax poetic about how nice the colour of Poe’s skin is, or how addictive his deep almond eyes were to stare into-

Jesus fucking Christ, and he thought the bright sweaters were enough of a gay stereotype.

Clearing his throat, and imagining himself forcibly throwing the plethora of images that have suddenly blossomed _out_ of his mind, he opens his laptop to copy the essay question down and begin a plan. His feelings can wait for him to finish rambling about Thomas Paine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that this is almost entirely filler, but I hope that's okay.  
> Anyway, I've had exams and then a load of homework so I decided to take a mini break because I knew that if I'd have found time to write a chapter, it would've been utter trash and ruined the whole series. So. Here I am, and here the chapter is. Hope it wasn't that sucky.  
> Oh, also, I deadass wrote that essay question myself. I love American history (read: Hamilton).  
> Next update will be next Saturday! Hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos are eternally appreciated.  
> Yell about Star Wars with me on Tumblr: celeztialist


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Courage is built, hearts are broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Things are starting to build! Hope you enjoy.

Standing in front of his closet, Finn stares, bored, at the collection of sweaters he owns. His eyes drift in and out of focus and the sweaters change from sharp images to a kaleidoscope of reds and oranges and greens, and back again. After a few minutes Finn jumps as if coming out of a trance, fishes his phone out of his pocket, and sends a quick text to Rey, confirming if they were still going to the diner tonight. Her reply is almost instant, his phone buzzing with the words “yes, see you at 5!”. He briefly smiles and begins mentally sorting through his closet, trying to find something that _isn’t_ a brightly coloured sweater. Rey is his best friend, and he’s determined for once to make an effort not to dress like a 1980s suburban mum. (Not that that’s intentional, sweaters are just comfortable, even in the warm weather).

He ends up settling on a black and white striped shirt, loose fitting and rolled up trousers, a pair of white sport socks, and black Vans.

It’s at this moment, standing in front of the crappy college-issue full length mirror, that he realises he’s ready over an hour early. Instantaneously he flops down on his bed and absentmindedly puts some music on on his phone, letting his mind slip back to thinking about Poe. He’d only caught glimpses in the past few days; occasional glances and awkward smiles in the corridor outside their apartments, quick looks across the cafeteria, bumping into each other whilst running errands or in the library. Every time it had happened- and it had been around a week of this being a regular occurrence- his heart and lungs made him feel a funny sort of way that he could barely describe. It was a mix of soaring hope, heart fluttering and skipping a beat, lungs squeezing tight for just a second before letting go, and sadness, loneliness, heart shattering and being stomped on by a pair of combat boots and lungs forcibly trying to escape through his mouth. He supposes that this is what love- well, is it love? - feels like, this terrifying amalgamation of two opposite extreme emotions. He actively pretends to hate it- pretends to himself, that is.

 

Whether or not anyone he knows- he hesitates to call most people except Rey _friend_ this soon- has realised is irrelevant to him, because he knows it’s unlikely that he’s not extremely obvious. And Poe- well, he hasn’t spoken a word to Poe in nearly a week, so unless he could read Finn’s mind he doubts that Poe has figured it out. He wants to tell him more than anything else in his being, but he restrains himself at the thought of being rejected completely. That feeling of hopefulness will lose out against the inevitable heartbreak when Poe tells him that he’s not interested, and Finn plans to delay that crushing feeling for as long as he possibly can. It’s not like he particularly wants to feel like that, after all. Although he also doesn’t want to have romantic feelings for Poe in the first place, either. He just wants a friend, without complicating all of it with emotions. _Guess I can’t have that_ , Finn thinks to himself and laughs emotionlessly, closing his eyes for a moment to try and get Poe out of his mind. Of course, that doesn’t work- instead, his head apparently decides to give him a figurative middle finger and throw him an image of what it would be like to kiss Poe’s beautiful lips. “Damn it,” he murmurs angrily to himself, standing up and walking to his desk to start filing his essays and work in a vain effort to distract himself. The effort takes him ten minutes and succeeds at least in completely numbing his brain; he then realises that he needs to leave to meet Rey at Resistance. Grabbing his wallet and taking a last look at himself in the mirror, he jogs out of his apartment and downstairs.

 

* * *

 

When he gets to Resistance, Rey is already sat at a table and has a milkshake waiting for him. She grins when she sees him, getting up to envelop him in a tight hug before sitting back down and taking a sip of the milkshake. “Strawberry?” Finn asks, absentmindedly, and Rey nods in agreement, muting her buzzing her phone and setting it, face-down, on the table. Finn doesn’t notice, staring off into space and trying, still, to shake the image of him kissing Poe from his mind. For a moment Rey watches him, amused. His face is glazed over, eyes twinkling and a faint smile playing at his lips. She knows that look. (That’s the look she knows she gives Jess a lot of the time- it’s infatuation.) Rey lets him indulge in it for another few seconds, then smiles mischievously and waves her hand in front of his face. Jumping and coming out of his reverie, Finn looks at her sheepishly. “Sorry,” he apologises, taking a small sip of the milkshake. “It’s okay,” she replies. Rey weighs it up in her head for a split second, then continues.

 

“So,” she starts, “who is he?”

 

“Who’s who?” Finn replies, frowning slightly. He can play ball. He’s not just going to volunteer this information- and he knows that Rey knows this too.

 

“Who’s the guy you like?” _Two can play, Finn,_ she thinks to herself. She knows that look too, the look of someone trying to pretend like they don’t have a crush on someone else. Admittedly, the look isn’t commonplace on Finn, but she’s going to indulge this as much as she can.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Finn replies, eyes locking onto hers intensely. Rey simply snorts in reply. “Rey, honestly,” he says quickly, knowing that even though he’s trying to hide it, he’s just a kind of shit actor. “I don’t like any guy at all.”

 

There’s a moment. Then- “oh, my _God_!” Rey exclaims. Quickly looking around the diner only to find it empty, he leans closer to Rey and hisses, “ _what?_ ”

 

“It’s Poe! Holy shit, you like Poe. Oh my god. Jess said it but I didn’t think she was right, holy shit, Finn-“ her voice is quick, bubbly, quiet, and she looks like a kid in a candy store.

 

“It’s not him, Rey-“ he tries to interrupt. Rey gives him a withering glare, and he shuts up.

 

“Have you told him? Do you know if he likes you too? Have you kissed him yet?”

 

“Slow down, Rey, wow. First of all, _I don’t like him_ , second, I’m not entirely sure if he’s gay- I came out but he didn’t in reply- don’t give me that look, Rey! I know he might not want to come out to me yet! And third, no, but I know Jess told you about the Incident.”

 

“This is a stereotype Finn, but he gave me fashion advice. If that’s not gay then quite frankly I don’t know what is. And it’s so obvious that you like him, you guys were hanging out constantly and then stopped suddenly last week, because Poe has been hanging out with Jess a lot this week, so you realised about then that you missed him ‘cause you had a crush on him.”

 

“I-“ Finn starts.

 

“And no, Jess _didn’t_ tell me about the Incident, and you’re gonna tell me right now!” Rey exclaims, energy getting higher and higher with every word she says.

 

“Damn, Rey, you’re good,” Finn mutters indignantly, before sighing. “Okay, fine. I have feelings for him. But Jess is the _only_ other person you can tell, alright? I can’t have him finding out, at least like that.” He glares at her until she reluctantly nods. “I’m 90% sure he’s gay, or at least bi, but he hasn’t come out to me, so I don’t wanna jinx it.”

 

“I get that. But the Incident. Spill.” Rey replies shortly.

 

“Fine, fine,” Finn concedes, holding his arms up in surrender. “Well, we were hanging out about last week at his place, just chilling. I don’t really remember what we did, but it was all great, and then he leaned in, and we almost kissed. Our lips were pretty much touching.”

 

“Oh my god,” Rey breathes, eyes widening slightly. “Okay. And then?”

 

“… And then Jess walked in.”

 

Rey bursts out laughing. “Really?” she asks, wiping a tear away after she stops. Finn nods, a look passing across his face of pure sadness. He sighs.

 

“But it’s fine, like,” Finn says. “It was really nice, and I wish I’d have kissed him. But I think that it was fate or something. I’m not sure. I just think that if it was meant to happen, it would’ve.” At that, Finn trails off, and Rey grimaces before trying to think of a way to reply. Conveniently Maz chooses to walk over and take their order, saving face for both of them for a moment, and by the time she’s left again, the conversation is over. They make small talk about college work and stress and for all intents and purposes, they forget about it for a while.

 

The burgers are amazing, again. Finn thinks for a moment about giving up on having feelings for Poe and marrying the burger instead.

 

After their plates are cleared away, the two stay for a while, chatting about their professors and work and how much they don’t miss high school. There’s a silence for a moment, and then Rey quietly says, “Finn.” He looks up at her, confused, and she stares back for a second before continuing. “What’s stopping you from asking Poe out? Or even just making out with him a little?”

 

Finn can’t pretend he’s not taken aback by that abrupt question, and he has to think- genuinely think- for a minute or two before replying. “I didn’t know if now was the right time to get into a relationship,” he answers honestly. “And I couldn’t just kiss him and not pursue something more with him. I like him too much for that, I think. And we live opposite from each other so I couldn’t exactly avoid him.” _You’ve avoided him for a week_ , he says to himself. He ignores that particular thought. Rey nods in thought.

 

“I know you, Finn. You don’t think you can get someone like him,” she says softly, and Finn grimaces, knowing she’s right. “You can, Finn. He’s not out of your league.”

 

“Logically, I know that.”

 

“Do you?” At this Finn is struck dumb. He’s spent the past year of his life telling himself tirelessly that he’s worth the time and attention of other people, that he’s fundamentally meant to be here. But he’s never really thought of that in a romantic context. All that’s stopping him is his own fear of not being loveable, not just by Poe but by anyone. Poe leaned in first. Fate is very unlikely to be a real thing. And with a sudden crash of realisation, he realises that he can get Poe if he wants to. _I can get Poe if I want to._

“Fuck,” he says, voice hoarse. “Rey, I gotta go.” He rises from the table quickly, getting his phone and wallet and walking towards the door. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Rey asks loudly, amused. Finn turns around, and runs back, kissing her forehead quickly and sprinting toward the door again. “No! Pay your bill!” she shouts at his disappearing silhouette, sighing as he leaves, obviously having not acknowledged her comment. “Damn, Finn! Did I not teach you anything?” Rey says to herself, shaking her head and sitting back in her seat, getting her purse out to slap a twenty on the table. She waits a few minutes before leaving, so as not to accidentally interrupt something or run into Finn when he was so obviously about to go and confess to Poe.

 

* * *

 

“Holy shit,” Finn whispers repeatedly to himself as he runs back to the campus. His heart is in his throat as he thinks to himself what he’s about to do- he’s going to tell Poe. It’s only been a couple of weeks and the pain of not being able to kiss him whenever he wants to is agonising. It feels urgent and desperate, and Finn forcefully pushes his thoughts of self-doubt to the back of his head; Poe is a year older and he doubts that that will win Poe any social points. _I don’t think he gives a shit about how popular he is_ , Finn chastises himself, shaking his head and picking up the pace a bit.

 

Eventually Finn reaches the apartment building- he hadn’t realised before how long the walk was- and breathes in deeply before walking in and climbing the stairs. He walks down the corridor, and his lungs are repeating that all-too-familiar feeling of trying to escape through his mouth- and he knows it’s not from him sprinting for ten minutes. His hand reaches up to knock on Poe’s door, and he notices absently that it’s shaking from nerves. The sound of his fist gently hitting the door echoes throughout the corridor, and the only other sound is Finn’s heavy breathing. There’s no answer, so Finn frowns and tries again.

 

(Inside the apartment, Poe creeps towards the door and holds his breath, looking through the eyehole and forcing himself to walk away when he sees Finn’s face.)

 

Finn sighs loudly, curses, and turns abruptly, walking back into his apartment and slamming the door with more force than he’d meant to use. He draws up the chair from his desk to the door and takes a seat, determined to wait until Poe arrives to ambush him. The concept of ambushing Poe with affection is vaguely humorous to Finn- and normally he’d have laughed- but right now, he’s too het up to care.

 

* * *

 

Almost an hour later, Poe stands up to look through the eyehole once more. Finn is gone. He’s not sure why he thinks he’d still be there, but something in him means that he can’t put it past Finn to wait that length of time. He’d spent a few minutes concerned about the expression on Finn’s face: he’d looked so scared, like his life had depended on Poe answering the door. But Poe knows he’s kidding himself, so he’d pushed the thought away and safely out of his mind.

 

Now, though, it must be safe to leave- he’s stupidly let his preoccupied mind forget about an English essay that’s due in 3 days, and he desperately needs to go to the library in order to finish. He also wants to get away from Finn, scared that if he’s close by then he’ll do something stupid, like march over to his apartment and kiss him. He can’t do that to himself, can’t do that to Finn. _This isn’t fair on him_ , Poe’s mind repeats scathingly, the statement seemingly now on autopilot as a slap in the face whenever he thinks something about Finn that’s out of line. Silently he walks around the apartment, packing his bag with his laptop, textbooks, set text, phone, earphones, and gum, before throwing a light jacket on, slinging the bag on his back, slipping his shoes on, and grabbing his keys. He gives a last glance to the apartment, making sure he hasn’t forgotten anything, before walking out and closing the door. The sound echoes in the deserted corridor.

 

 

At the sound of an adjacent door closing, Finn jumps up, heart rate instantly increasing by at least double, and waits just a second before swinging the door open and grabbing his keys, letting the door shut behind him. And, sure enough, he sees Poe walking away.

 

It takes him a second to acknowledge that Poe is _walking away_.

 

Which means that either he came in and went back out without Finn hearing him coming in, or that-

 

It hits him like a ton of bricks.

 

Or that he’d been home the whole time.

 

“Poe?” he calls down the corridor. His heart rises as he sees Poe stop, praying beyond hope that he’d turn around, run toward him, in a movie-like moment that he’d dreamt of for the past fortnight. He can see Poe freeze. _Please_. And then Poe keeps walking, speeds up until he’s on the stairwell and out of Finn’s sight. His heart shatters. He walks back into his apartment, wiping at his eyes, and flings himself onto his bed. He knew it was a stupid idea. And somehow he’d underestimated just how much it would hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof! I'm sorry, it hurt me to write it too. It's necessary though.  
> I've decided that I'm going to start uploading on Sundays instead of Saturdays from next week- I'm in my second year of A levels and my life will be devoted mostly to studying until mid-June. There may also be a couple of missed weeks but I'm going to try and avoid that as much as possible.  
> Again, hope you enjoyed! Finn's outfit is again inspired by Kevin Abstract: https://imgur.com/r/streetwear/CAP6R  
> My Tumblr: celeztialist


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A friendship, a fight, a resolution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! As promised, a Sunday upload! (It's a quarter to midnight, so I'm pushing it a tad, but still.)  
> Enjoy!

“Finn?”

 

Finn is in a history lecture. He’d been looking forward to it for a good week; after checking the syllabus once or twice a day, he’d drilled it into his head that today’s topic was ‘Contemporary Representation of Women in the Revolutionary War’, one he- and Rey, the nerd- was passionate as hell about. It wasn’t even that most of his senior year of high school and the whole summer had been spent obsessively listening to Hamilton- although that obviously contributed to it. Finn has read books upon books about the women of the war, because it was just so damn interesting to him, and because Rey had come into his room one night whilst he was in the midst of a panic attack, and started reading him an extract about Martha Washington. Neither of them knew why it had worked, but to this day, if Finn begins to get stressed about college work, Rey will race over, huge book in hand, and read to him. The affinity is familiar and warm.

 

Speaking of warm, he misses Poe. So much. _God, I really am some kind of pathetic,_ he thinks, consciously rolling his eyes at himself. With every day that has passed in the previous week, it’s gotten more intense. He hasn’t spoken to Poe in- what, three weeks? It’s definitely nearing a month. But his heart aches more and more each passing day, and although he and his professors can’t complain about all the extra work he’s doing, Finn thinks they secretly know that something’s really, really wrong. It’s not even _that_ bad, but apparently that won’t stop Finn from being depressed about it.

 

“…Finn?”

 

He can hear a noise. It doesn’t really register in his head, more like a fly buzzing than a coherent voice. His eyes shift slowly in and out of focus against the beige wall of the lecture room, and he blinks a few times, feeling himself moving between a state of consciousness and blissful dissociation.

 

Wait. _Fuck._ The beige wall of the lecture room. _Shit, shit, shit,_ he thinks, panicking-

 

“Finn Olori? Earth to Finn?” the professor says drily, beginning to lose his patience.

 

Finn jumps. “Sorry, yes professor?”

 

“I’ve been calling on you for a minute and a half.”

 

“Sorry,” Finn mumbles sheepishly.

 

The professor makes a noise of slight disapproval, and Finn feels his face flush in shame.

 

“Would you like to tell the class about the myth of Martha Washington’s cat?”

 

Finn pauses for a second, internally collating his information on- well, a weird topic, he guesses. And then he smiles. Clears his throat.

 

“Yes. In the years preceding Washington’s presidency…”

 

* * *

 

After the class finishes and Finn has packed up his belongings, the professor calls him to the desk. Grimacing, Finn states quickly, “professor, I’m sorry for not paying attention, I’m just a bit tired-“

 

“What’s wrong, Finn?” the professor interrupts.

 

He frowns, looking incredulously at the teacher.

 

“Nothing? Why do you ask?”

 

In response, the professor cocks his eyebrow and stares at him.

 

“Honestly, sir, nothing’s wrong, I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

 

The noise of slight disapproval sounds again. “I appreciate your concern, though, thank you.”

 

“Finn,” the professor starts, leaning against the desk. “I’ve had countless students over the years, and many of them have been upset or stressed and told me they’re just tired. A lot of the liars end up dropping out after first year.”

 

Finn nods, still slightly confused.

 

“You’re one of the best students in the class, by a long shot.” They share a smile, and Finn feels his mood lift slightly. “It’s none of my business, but if you need to talk, I’m all ears. It would be a shame to lose you for any reason other than a scholarship to an Ivy League college.”

 

“I…” Finn doesn’t know how he can respond to that. “Thank you. That means a lot. But I really am just tired.”

 

The professor shrugs, offering a tight smile. “Alright, but the offer still stands, okay?” In response, Finn nods.

 

“Thanks. See you tomorrow,” he says in reply, offering an awkward wave and walking out of the door.

 

Jumping in surprise, he sees Rey leaning casually against the doorframe of the hall. “Finally!” she bursts out, grinning at him. “What took you so long?”

 

“My professor was worried about me,” Finn confesses, grimacing again. “He was nice about it though, he’s got confidence in me.”

 

“As he should,” Rey replies. “But I’m worried too, Finn. So we’re going back to mine, and talking about it, and you can educate me more about history. Okay?”

 

It wasn’t a question, and Finn knows it. But he still wants in. So he shrugs and replies, “sure.”

 

* * *

 

A good few hours later, Finn and Rey are on the floor of her flat, giggling with glasses of wine in hand. Their conversation has been lighthearted and focused on Rey’s love life, which Finn won’t tire of hearing as long as it’s a distraction from his own- well, his own _lack_ of love life, he admits to himself with a miniscule sigh. This is Rey, though. She could see him look slightly deflated from the other end of a room. So she frowns and somehow envelops him into a tight hug- even though she’s a good five inches shorter than him. He smiles, hugs her back as best he can whilst his arms are pinned against his sides, and closes his eyes for a moment. “What’s wrong?” she mumbles into his neck. “I’ve been worried, Finn.”

 

She pulls back and looks at him when he doesn’t respond, that look where her eyes bore into his that he knows she won’t stop until he talks.

 

“Okay, okay,” Finn sighs, holding his hands up in surrender. “So, I was gonna talk to Poe after we were in the diner, yeah?” he starts, Rey nodding along animatedly with a face full of worry.

 

“And I went to knock on his door, but he didn’t answer, so I thought he wasn’t in. So I decided to sit by the door inside my apartment and listen until I heard him come back-“

 

“You were gonna ambush him? Wow, Finn, smooth,” Rey chuckles. At his face, she sobers up instantly. “Sorry. Continue.”

 

“Technically, yes, that was my plan. But I was at the door for around an hour when I heard it open and close, and it took me a second to register what the sound was.” Rey nods again. “So I got up, ready to barge into his place and demand he talk to me and tell him how I feel, but then-“

 

Rey’s eyes widen. “Was he with someone else? What a douchebag!” she shouts angrily, putting her glass down and starting to stand up.

 

“Rey, no! Even if he was, I’d talk to him myself.” Rey glares at him. “No, I’d never do anything and wallow in self pity, I know. But hush. Anyway. He was alone, and I realised that he hadn’t come back and left, he’d been there the whole time and ignored me.”

 

She lets out a sharp exhale of breath. “You sure you just didn’t hear him go in?” she asks.

 

“Sure. I was listening pretty intensely.”

 

“So he just… ignored you completely?”

 

“Mhm. But I called his name down the hall-“

 

“ _Yeah, you did,”_ Rey says in a singsong voice, winking at him.

 

“Rey, for fuck’s sake, not the time!” he interjects, and she laughs. “Sorry,” she says.

 

“No you’re not.”

 

The grin on her face is positively shit-eating.

 

“I called his name, and he stopped, froze, then sped up and walked away.”

 

There’s a moment of silence. Finn looks down, embarrassed, and says, “I know it’s dumb to be upset, but I thought I had a chance with him, y’know?” Rey nods in understanding, being the amazing best friend she is.

 

“I know, Finn. But come on, if he runs away from you then do you wanna waste your time on him?” As Finn tries to interject, she holds her finger up. “I know, I know, it’s not that easy, but you’ll get there. It takes time.” Finn sighs. “Yeah, you’re right.”

 

He takes a sip of his wine, glances down at his phone, and sees the time glare up at him. _11:47pm_ , it says. “It’s getting late. I’m gonna go. Thank you, Rey.” Standing up, Finn finishes the glass and walks over, setting it down on the kitchenette work top, before walking back and helping Rey up. She pulls him into another one-armed hug, and he smiles before stepping back. “I’ll see you soon, yeah?” he says, hope seeping into his voice.

 

“’Course,” she replies, grinning at him. “I’ll text you.”

 

“Okay. Night, Rey.”  
  
“Night, Finn.”

 

* * *

 

He steps out into the hall and gently shuts the door behind himself. Beginning the short walk back to his side of the dorms, he looks around- the halls are surprisingly quiet on this side. He supposes that for once, the students have made a collective decision not to party the night away. The lamps on the sides of the walls light his way back, offering the only illumination in the corridor. As he turns into his own hall, he feels his heart instinctively seize up momentarily before letting go. Finn lets out a small sigh, keeps walking, and then sees a familiar figure outside his room, leaning on the frame, hand suspended in the air as if scared to knock.

 

The realisation hits him full force, throwing the air out of his lungs.

 

“Poe?” he calls down the corridor, speeding up as he squints to be sure it’s really him. The silhouette’s head turns around abruptly and he hears a whispered “ _fuck_ ” before he’s all but sprinting down the corridor to his room. He stops suddenly at the door, a feeling of contentment spreading through his body before leaving like a jolt as quick as it came.

 

“What the fuck, Poe?” he growls, anger rising in him like a tide. Finn can feel his teeth clenching, and his hands shake. Poe’s eyes widen, and he whispers “oh my god” in a sort of shock instinctual response. “Okay,” he replies quietly, “you have the right to be angry at me, Finn-“

 

“You fucking think?” Finn bursts out, eyes narrowing.

 

“Yes!” Poe exclaims. “But for fuck’s sake, can we at least go into my apartment so we don’t wake up the whole corridor?”

 

Finn stops for a second, confused. “We- what?”

 

“Please?”

 

“Fine,” he sighs, irritated.

 

The pair walk into Poe’s apartment- Poe walks. Finn almost runs, his body shaking so much that Poe has begun to see it.

 

* * *

 

Taking a seat on the sofa, Poe exhales, running a hand through his hair. “Okay,” he starts, then stops. “Okay. Okay.” He feels rather like an unintelligent fish. Perhaps that’d be an easier fate than this.

 

“Poe, what the fuck has been going on?” Finn shouts, evidently trying and failing to keep his voice down. He hates himself for being attracted to Finn right now, face angry and fists clenched. He’d never seen him like this before. “Poe, Jesus fucking Christ, answer me! I’m sick of this!”

 

“Fuck, yeah, okay, sorry. Finn, I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you, I don’t know why I’ve been doing it. And I felt like utter shit the whole time. Okay?”

 

“No, Poe! I…” Finn trails off, forcing himself to calm down, stop panicking, pretend like this isn’t the end of their friendship. “If you felt like shit, you shouldn’t have avoided me. And I think, deep down, you had a reason for avoiding me.” Finn says, voice lowering slightly and beginning to shake.

 

Finn is right. He does have a reason. But it’s not like he wants to confess- not like he _can_ , really. He knows Finn is gay, _but it’s not fair on him_. Subconsciously, he can hear himself talking- “psychologically, I probably do, Finn. I am sorry, though-“ he takes a second to actually tune back into the conversation- “I really am. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

 

_I could kiss you_ , Poe thinks. Jesus fuck. He doesn’t need to be thinking like that right now.

 

“Does it matter? You didn’t talk to me for 3 weeks, ignored me when I tried to talk to you yesterday, and apparently you didn’t stop to think how it might affect me.”

 

The room goes deathly silent. Poe’s heart jumps to his throat and he swallows it back down, hearing both of their breaths gradually speeding up. _This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair._

“Finn, I’m sorry.”

 

“Are you?”

 

Finn’s voice is dry, clipped, untrusting, defensive. Poe knows that he’s trying to pass it off as pissed off- but there’s a raw pain to his voice that tells him just how much he’s fucked up without even saying anything.

 

He takes a second before replying.

 

“Yes.”

 

Finn sighs.

 

“Explain it, then. Because I don’t want to have to only awkwardly smile at you when we bump into each other.”

 

“Me neither,” Poe confesses. “But okay. I don’t think I know how to explain it, so bear with me, alright?” Finn nods. The fact that he’s likely about to lie out of his ass makes him feel even worse, but he supposes that at least he’s bought himself some time.

 

“…I felt like trash for almost kissing you.” _Oh, fuck, okay, I guess._ Poe can feel himself getting nervous, and it comes to the forefront when he realises that his head is just going to betray him and force the truth out. “It wasn’t a reflection on you, you’re not trashy, but it made me worry that you were gonna think that I’d only befriended you to get sex from you.”

 

Finn looks almost embarrassed. ( _Almost_ , Poe’s brain perks up hopefully.) “Oh. Right.”

Poe is barely listening to Finn or himself talk, but he knows it’s all unravelling. “And that’s obviously not why we were friends, but I thought it’d be less pressure on you in your first year to not feel used by a friend. Or at least, I didn’t want to contribute to that feeling.”

 

Poe’s heart is starting to speed up.

 

“I just wasn’t sure. I was confused, and I didn’t know if it was just because I knew you were gay or if it was something more. And I didn’t- it wasn’t fair on you. _Isn’t_ fair on you,” he emphasises, refusing to look at Finn, who’s been pacing in front of him since the fight had started. “I don’t know you that well, but we’re so similar, and that’s how I would’ve felt last year. So I assumed. But Finn,” he pauses, swallowing and inhaling sharply. “I really am sorry. You have to know that.”

 

There’s a second, before Finn slumps down onto the sofa next to Poe. “Okay,” Finn says quietly, voice hinting at the remains of shaking. “I probably shouldn’t, but I forgive you.”

 

“God, thank you, Finn.”

 

“Don’t be an idiot again, okay?”

 

Poe huffs out a laugh. “I’ll try.”

 

The two sit, the air of the room slowly adjusting from awkward back to comfortable. Poe chances a glimpse back up to Finn’s face to find a charming smile, wide and soft, eyes twinkling. _I’m really in deep, aren’t I?_

 

Finn edges slightly closer to Poe. “Thank you for explaining,” he says quietly.

 

“It’s the least I could do.”

 

Poe moves closer.

 

“I missed you,” he whispers to Finn.

 

Finn’s smile slowly unfurls into a grin. “I missed you too, Poe.”

 

They’re so close that Poe can feel Finn’s warm breath hitting his face.

 

_I want to kiss him._

“I want to kiss you,” he mumbles, heart hammering in his chest.

 

Finn’s breath catches audibly.

 

He whispers, “kiss me, then.”

 

And finally, _finally_ , their lips meet softly, Poe’s hand resting against Finn’s cheek. Their bodies move closer, and Finn exhales, hands curling around Poe’s waist. Every time he’s ever kissed someone- and his kiss count is pitifully low- he has imagined that their mouth would have a taste. Before, he’d worried he was doing it wrong, or that he’d just built it up far too much in his head. Now- now he could barely string the words together for the distraction of finally learning what it felt like to kiss Poe Dameron. “I’ve been waiting for this for a month,” he murmurs against Poe’s lips (that he refused to describe as plush even though they were- he wasn’t _that_ much of a stereotype).

 

“So have I,” Poe says quietly in response. For a moment they both pull back, smiling in a shared sense of disbelief. Finn leans forward to catch Poe’s lips once more, and his eyes drift shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally they kissed! I'm happy that I got to this milestone.  
> This will go on for another chapter or two, but as you can tell this is starting to wrap up. I'm proud thus far and I'll be fully editing this chapter tomorrow morning, so there may be one or two miniscule changes. No plot changes, though.  
> Hope you enjoyed! See you next Sunday!  
> Tumblr: celeztialist


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Finn, being embarrassed is worth it.

Poe is still in a mild state of shock that all of this is happening. His feelings had snuck up on him, his once mellow personality being forced to evolve- or perhaps regress- into a blushing mess when Finn so much as even glances at him.

 

_But for Finn_ , Poe thinks to himself one cold morning, _being embarrassed is worth it_.

 

God, he’s such a sap.

 

It is still early but Poe’s body hates him, apparently; he lies there, wide awake with the bright fall sunlight casting rays onto his tan face. With a squint to glance at the alarm clock next to his bed, he sees it’s only just gone 8am, and squeezes his eyes shut with a barely audible sigh.

 

In his tired state, Poe has only just acknowledged that Finn is next to him in the bed. And the memories come flooding back to him; nothing too _adult_ had happened, but the kiss they’d shared in their apartment had still ended with Finn staying the night in Poe’s room. Even though his room was just across the hall. Poe has no complaints about the situation, but seeing that Finn’s just as gorgeous when he’s asleep makes his face heat up slightly. It isn’t that Poe sees himself as unattractive (even if Finn is _definitely_ out of his league), and he despises clichés more than authors who don’t use the Oxford comma, but he doesn’t know just how he’s managed to get this lucky. It feels like he’s described his perfect guy and the universe has provided, no questions asked. It’s a strange feeling.

 

Once Poe’s finished being only slightly creepy by staring at Finn’s sleeping form, he decides to try and fall back to sleep, even if he knows it’s going to be to no avail. And, sure enough, as his head softly hits the pillow, Finn stirs with a murmur. (Poe doesn’t even care that he’s tired. He’s not going to fall asleep now that Finn is awake.)

 

Whilst waiting for Finn to properly wake up, Poe begins to think. With every grand romantic gesture that’s going through his head way too fast, he hasn’t even considered the serious points about a potential relationship. He knows it’s likely a stupid thought, but what if Finn doesn’t want to be his boyfriend? What if it’s only a casual fling, or he’s changed his mind about his feelings? _You’re being an idiot, Dameron_ , Poe thinks to himself. Only one more question enters his mind before it almost completely shuts down at the concept: what if Finn _does_ want to be his boyfriend?

 

Jesus Christ. Poe is in so, so deep. He’s positively screwed.

 

His brain’s internal screaming is interrupted with Finn starting to shift next to him, blinking tiredly. The same look that was in his eyes yesterday is present again this morning: doe-eyed and adoring. Poe is entirely certain that the look is mirrored in his own eyes. Poe also can’t find it in him to care about how embarrassing that probably is.

 

“G’morning,” Finn breathes, exhaustion evident in his voice. Poe’s heart flips over at the sight of him. He takes a moment, trying to craft some sappy reply.

 

Instead, what comes out of his mouth is something along the lines of “you’regorgeouswannabemyboyfriendmaybe?”. Internally, he curses himself, a full on blush blossoming on his cheeks. At Finn’s incredulous and tired expression, he forces himself to slow down. Breathe a bit. Get the words out at a normal pace.

 

“Sorry,” Poe says quietly, glancing down before continuing. “I said you’re gorgeous, and I- I was just wondering if you would maybe want to be my boyfriend?” Poe can hear the slight shake in his words out of anxiety. He has no idea how Finn manages to affect him like this.

 

“Wait, we weren’t already?” Finn replies, eyes widening in embarrassment. “I sort of assumed, after all the making out, and we don’t have our shirts on at the moment, that we were just boyfriends. Like that.” He pauses, mulling it over in his head. “Guess adult relationships are different from high school ones, huh?” Poe nods absentmindedly. Honestly, he’d blindly assumed the same thing last night, too caught up for his brain to work properly. He tells Finn this, and they both laugh at themselves. They truly are dumbasses.

 

“Hey, you didn’t answer my question,” Poe says suddenly, once the laughter stops. It sobers Finn up instantly. He stops, pretending to consider it- or, at least, he’s praying that it’s pretend- before leaning over and capturing Poe’s lips in a gentle kiss.

 

“Sorry for the morning breath,” he whispers. “But of course I’ll be your boyfriend, Poe.”

 

Poe just grins, pulling Finn down for another kiss. Their combined morning breath is probably gross, but Poe’s mind has gone blank. His boyfriend- _boyfriend!_ \- is a damned good kisser.

 

* * *

 

Later that day, Finn’s phone buzzes. Pushing himself up from the sofa and out of Poe’s arms, he pads across the room to check it, raising his eyebrows at the message.

 

From: Rey       _Double date tonight at the diner???_

Just as he’s about to open his mouth to ask Poe how Rey knows they’re dating, another text comes through.

 

From: Rey       _Sorry, I know you 2 aren’t together! He likes you though, I’ve told you this_

And another.

 

From: Rey       _ANYWAY jess will be there, meet us at 7 if you want!_

Finn decides not to comment on anything other than the dinner itself. Rey is incredibly intuitive, and besides, he wants to tell her and Jess that he has a boyfriend in person. It’s not big news, but he knows their happiness will rival his.

 

To: Rey           _See you at 7 :-)_

Turning the ringer off on his phone, Finn sets it back down on the table and collapses dramatically back onto the sofa, pressing a small kiss to Poe’s jaw. “Wanna go to dinner with Rey and Jess tonight?”, he asks, kissing Poe’s cheek when he nods. It’s still relatively early, about 2pm, and both of them are more than happy to waste their afternoon cuddling on the sofa and watching terrible, mind-numbing TV reruns.

 

* * *

 

At 7:02pm, Finn and Poe enter the diner. They’d lost track of time, the soft sounds of the TV having lulled them to sleep. It was a short walk from the campus to the diner, but honestly, they’ve only been awake for about 20 minutes. When Jess and Rey catch sight of them, they both roll their eyes in near-perfect synchronisation. They’ve been spending way too much time together, it seems.

 

Poe and Finn slide into the booth, muttering tired apologies which both of the girls just laugh at. They’ve already ordered milkshakes, and both couples share, making light-hearted small talk. Finn perks up when a waitress takes their food orders, internally salivating at the very thought of having a burger from here again. Subtly, he interlaces his fingers with Poe’s under the table, the two of them sharing a small smile whilst Jess orders her food.

 

Eventually, there’s a lull in the conversation. The table falls comfortably quiet, the only sound being music coming from the jukebox across the diner, so faint that Finn can’t make out the tune. Whilst fiddling with the hem of his t-shirt, he figures now is probably a good time to tell Jess and Rey the truth.

 

“So,” he begins, wracking his brain for the best way to say it casually without making them freak out with excitement. He knows how hyperactive Rey can get with good news, and he has good word from Poe that Jess is exactly the same.

 

“We have some news,” Finn says, attempting to keep his tone as neutral as he can. Poe squeezes his hand gently, offering some silent support. He’s grateful, and he shoots Poe a tiny, appreciative smile. “We’re dating. Officially.”

 

“Oh my god!”, Rey whisper-yells. Well. Yells but tries and fails to keep quiet. The few other patrons scattered across the diner give their table dirty looks. They all ignore them.

  
Jess’s question comes next, her excitement barely concealed. “How long for?” she asks, her and Rey sporting matching, huge grins.

 

“Two weeks,” Finn says casually, cackling when Poe, Jess, and Rey stare at him in disbelief. “Nah, I’m joking, just since this morning.” Poe shoves him gently as the four of them laugh softly, and Finn responds only by pressing a feather-light kiss to his cheek. He’s pleased to see Poe’s cheeks flush.

 

The rest of the evening passes by in a blur. The food, as usual, is divine, and Finn scarfs it down so quickly he has to sit back for a while, one hand resting over his stomach. Rey takes the piss out of him for most of the night, Finn only having the energy to roll his eyes in return. Whilst Finn recovers from his mini food coma, Poe recounts the whole story, leaving out a few small details in an attempt to keep Rey and Jess calm. Finn just watches Poe talking animatedly, his hands making wild gestures and his eyes shining the whole time. Rather than joining in, Finn is content in basking in the feeling of happiness that he’s so often been deprived of. It’s a freeing feeling.

 

And then, they’re done talking. It’s getting dark outside, and Jess is already getting a bit tired after having to stay up until 3am writing a paper for class that she’d procrastinated liberally on. (All of them knew she’d still probably get an A- the woman is a verifiable genius.) The four of them walk back to the campus together, content to walk in a comfortable silence as they take in the night air. They bid each other goodnight in the corridor, Rey and Jess walking across to Rey’s room and Finn and Poe going to their rooms. Poe takes Finn’s hand, Finn looking across to see Poe smiling at him with that doe-eyed look in his eyes. He can see past it to the reserved darkness, and grins back, pressing a kiss to his cheek before carrying on walking.

 

As soon as the door is closed and they’re in Poe’s room, Finn finds himself pushed against the door, Poe’s lips locating his in the dark of the tiny apartment. The only light comes from the TV they’d forgotten to turn off. Finn’s hands slide to wrap around the back of Poe’s neck, one hand slowly moving through his hair. As Poe deepens the kiss, a hand finds its way to Finn’s waist and rests there for a while. Finn can feel the warmth emanating from him, and it makes him melt just slightly against the door.

 

And as Poe’s head dips down to start pressing kisses to his neck, Finn hazily thinks, _this must be what heaven feels like_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, FINALLY! This fic has reached its conclusion.  
> I'm so sorry I haven't updated this fic in six whole months, I don't really have an excuse other than plain laziness. I just decided I wanted this work squared away, so here I am!  
> I also just wanted to address the allusions to Finn's past trauma in earlier chapters- I didn't really see an appropriate time to enter it, so I think I'm going to add it as its own oneshot in a different work at a later date. We'll see!  
> I really hope you've enjoyed this final chapter, and the fic as a whole! If you liked it please consider giving it a kudos, maybe a comment or a bookmark if you're feeling snazzy.  
> As always, my tumblr is celeztialist and my twitter is orionasalie, if you're so inclined. :-)

**Author's Note:**

> The jumper Finn wears on his first day: https://instagram.com/p/BdBvGuhnD-k/


End file.
